Pancake, Vulnerability, And The Men Who Wrestle with God

So... this has been almost the worst week ever for me. Spiritually that is. I picked up something that I had given up, and it of course... ran me straight into a brick wall. My walk is not going anywhere. I had lots of knees and face to the ground time. Alot Alot. I read just about the whole book of Psalms too. Didn't do me any good. At least, not how I wanted it to.

I wanted that attitude gone. But that doesn't mean God just takes it away just like that. He can, sure, but that's not how it works more often than not. You have to give it up, you have to really desire it, or as God has shown me, I have to beat it on my own, then he will take the rest.

I got almost an hour of sleep tuesday night, I spent it with God, I know he spoke to me, but I didn't hear, my mind was too distracted and my heart was too hard. The next I was running on no sleep, which gives God more leeway into my heart because without sleep it's alot harder to to hold up defenses. So I start hearing God more. Did I mention the Chris Tomlin/Matt Redman/Louie Giglio thing was amazing. God talked alot then. He was there oh my gosh was he there. Louie Giglio was speaking prophecies and didn't even know it. Haha

Fast forward to thursday, I spend the whole day with God again, haven't heard him all morning. A dear friend whom I love dearly, and knows wha'ts going on with me texted me. "How are you"
I reply, "I just need a word, I need God to tell me something, even if God says pancake I'm good."
I send it and close the phone, guess what I hear from the still small voice.
"Pancake"

God just said pancake.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I love God.

God speaks when you listen.
You might not like what he says, but he does speak.


This thought has been swirling in my head all day, here is my best attempt at putting it to words:
The worlds concept of a man says to be cold, unapologetic, never to cry, never to feel or show weakness. This is a lie from hell. A real man is one who can stand up for his actions, to put his heart out to one who would break it. A real man will wrestle with God himself over what he knows is right, because the love God has given him demands no less. A real man will get down on his knees and weep simply because his heart is broken for those he loves who have not felt the greater love that changes his life every single day.

In Genesis 32 Jacob is camping out, he sends his family away so he can be by himself. That night he wrestles with God. He wrestles until daybreak, the man fighting Jacob says "let me go." Jacob's reply is fantastic, "Not until you bless me!" So God blesses him, and changes his name. "Israel, because you have fought with God and won.

I had a dream. The first dream in as long as I can remember, and that was it, except Jacob is me. I woke up with my heart beating hard and fast like I had been wrestling. I look up at the ceiling and smile and my first words of the day "I win."
And he blessed me.

Genesis 32:28
-Jason